TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely out of place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let's have An additional spot wherever American men can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: provide Absolutely everyone a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he should stop making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You realize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from Area, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting awareness from international buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely include:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


About the Trump Tower Damascus https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have transform-down support."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave everything three. You're welcome."

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